Savoring and Indulging
by AnHeiressofaSOLDIER
Summary: For 13x14 Day. As the trio looks for time to vacation together, Xion begins to realize just what that might bring to light, and that they may never even get their chance with each other. Confused about who she is and what she should do-as well as about her feelings for Roxas-Xion begins to despair, but through her friendship with Roxas, the girl learns the importance of savoring.


**Savoring and Indulging**

"Roxas, how- how dare you?!" Xion exclaimed, knowing that she was being moderately ridiculous as she threw the marker she'd been drawing with at Roxas' head.

Perhaps she'd been spending too much time with Axel? After all, getting mad at her blond friend, just because he wasn't paying attention to the diagram she was making, was beyond mental.

Roxas, pulled from what whatever intense daydream he must have been having, blinked at Xion confusedly for a few moments before straightening up in his seat. "Huh? What?" the young deadpanned rather awkwardly, for which Axel was quick to snicker at.

It was... weird seeing Roxas like this, Xion thought. The way he looked and sounded so boyish like, like how Demyx often did, almost had the girl feeling as though she was in another time and place. It seemed so different for Roxas, and yet-

"I was saying..." the brunette said, much more gently now, as she pondered over whether or not Roxas might secretly have had a heart." I was saying that we should think up what to do on some of our time off besides just getting ice cream all the time, you know? I mean, Xemnas is unlikely to give us another vacation, so we should take advantage of the time we all ready have together, right?"

Xion specifically didn't look at Axel, as he feigned being shot in the heart and dying at her comment about them doing something other than getting ice cream for fun.

Instead, she focused on how Roxas seemed much more interested in the musty boxes surrounding them in the records' room, rather than anything that Xion was actually saying.

Yikes. She'd known that Roxas hadn't known what to do with himself on their last shared vacation, but she'd had no idea that he was against them this much...

"I'm sorry," Roxas muttered as he shot his hand up, and had it in him to at least look somewhat sheepish. "I really do like your idea, Xion, and think it's a good one, but I'm just having a really hard time focusing today. I guess I'm just confused that there was a time without computers, y'know?"

And just like that, any cool Xion idea might have had about them going to some sort of computer lab for a fieldtrip instantly dissipated.

She hadn't thought about it before, but Roxas was right. They'd thought they'd been so lucky to find a large enough room in the castle-not all ready claimed by the other members-to be able to spend time together. But...

Xion had yet to acknowledge how peculiar the whole situation really was. As high-tech as The Castle That Never Was happened to be, it was maddening to think that anyone would ever have had to do anything longhand in the place.

Especially since Xion couldn't even imagine a time without machinery even existing in the multiverse, but that wasn't saying much; she had no memories to speak of, after all.

Still... if places that weren't seeped in the current norm existed, maybe it would be neater to check them out for a trip instead?

"Yo, Roxas, what's so weird about that?" Axel asked curiously, as he cocked his head to the side and regarded Roxas as if he were seeing a ghost in his friend's place instead of his actual friend. Idly, Xion wondered just where Axel had gotten the lollipop that he was leisurely chewing on.

Also, as Xion scratched the top of her head in confusion, she almost found it odd that Axel hadn't said more about anything than that. Sure, he wasn't as big of a ham as the boy in red was, but didn't he love coining words and phrases and crazy hand movements just as much?

"I suppose I'm just not only confused about that, but the fact that I know how to use a computer. I don't think I ever used one before I was brought here, so the Organization must have showed me how to do it, right? And if so... I guess I'm just a little lost about the simple things I do know as a Nobody and those that I don't. How is-how is what Xion and I know even dictated?"

Was Roxas... was Roxas getting angry now? Xion wondered regretfully to herself. If nothing else, he seemed flustered (and even that shouldn't have been possible), and she frowned at him as he set to using a lot of gestures and body language that Axel himself didn't seem to—Xion also noticed that the collar of his cloak was chaffing against his neck, as he wiped some dust off of him, and-

"You're wondering about this again, Roxas?" Xion stated wryly, and with a small smile on her face, as she folded her hands under her chest-trying her best not to remember all of the things she'd found out all ready.

"It's really not like you to question things," Xion then said, embarrassed, as she realized that Roxas might have been taking her words as aggressive, and she motioned with her hands for him to sit back down beside her in his designated, uncomfortable folding chair.

"I mean... I don't blame you, of course," she continued on. "But... I don't know if a lot can really be explained or guessed at for us, you know? We're both special Nobodies, after all. But who knows? Maybe if we go on a trip somewhere, and explore these things, you'll get your answer."

If nothing else, Roxas seemed to like the idea of that. And she could almost feel it in her heart when her words cemented into the boy's heart and he drew strength from it.

In fact, Axel even seemed to be looking at them weirdly, Xion noted, as Roxas sat down and angled his chair closer to hers, but it certainly wasn't the first time he had done so. As a rule, she and Roxas seemed to baffle the pyromaniac just about as much as they confused him.

"Buuuut," Axel cut in, like Xion knew he would-missing the hopeful and blissful look that had come over Roxas, as he looked up at the ceiling. "We all ready have both a computer here, and as we just found out: an outdated records room like this. How are finding similar places going to help you or Roxas learn anymore about the situation, unless you happen to stumble upon your home worlds and remember stuff that way?"

"Isn't that what hope's all about?" Roxas asked, as he finally looked at his two best friends-seeming more aware and considerable than he had the rest of the day that far. "I mean, I don't really know, of course. I'm a Nobody and all," Roxas amended, as he set to wrapping his arms around his legs awkwardly, as he stated just what Xion herself had been about to say; the girl giggled at that coincidence.

"But," Roxas spoke up, the moment that Axel loudly cracked the last part of his sucker off of its stick and swallowed it. "I'd like to believe this idea, at least, is similar to what having hope's all about. We might not find our homes, but maybe we'll find a place similar enough that it will jog some memories for us."

Xion could only hope that that would be the case, but as Roxas had just said, hope was exactly the sort of thing she wanted to be doing.

...

It was later the next day, when the two teens were in the Castle's kitchen to get some grub-away from the liver that Xaldin had made that night, that Xion brought it up: "Have you noticed that Axel's been more quiet lately and less boisterous?"

Though she said it amusedly and good-naturedly, she was actually reeling on the inside. What if- what if Axel had found out the terrible truth about her? The truth that she was still trying desperately to deny, because if it was true... then that would mean she was meant to be Roxas' execution-

As it was, Roxas shrugged nonchalantly at Xion's question, and they bumped shoulders, as he tried to get a glass from the brown cabinet that Xion was currently trying to get a small bowl from it.

"I don't know, Xi," Roxas remarked, as he succeeded in getting the cup and went to the sink to put some water into it. "I mean, it could just be that he's run out of all of his good taunts to say after having defeated the Dustflier with me. I know he was cursing it out a lot when we were fighting the thing, but I can hardly blame him. Hehe."

At that last remark, Roxas seemed to realize that he was bragging to Xion about defeating something that they'd both deemed impossible. And in that, he scratched the back of his head modestly, but...

Xion couldn't even be angry for Roxas' boastful comment. Nor could she even care for the reasons she'd originally set out to question Roxas about.

Instead, she dropped the Popsicle she'd just gotten out of the freezer to put into her bowl (so as not to have it melt everywhere), and she gripped onto Roxas' shoulders, whilst replying excitedly, "You two defeated that Heartless boss at the Station in Twilight Town? How?! Why?! Saïx didn't make you do so, did he? That would have been a suicide mission. But you did it. Oh my gosh, Roxas; you did it! Tell me everything! How did you battle its status ailments? Did Axel's different style of fighting help you where our similar styles didn't? And Axel... was insulting it the whole time? That doesn't sound productive."

Somewhere, in the back of her mind, Xion realized that for the first time she could remember, she was holding onto Roxas at a time that wasn't dire in the slightest. She also noted that Luxord had just wandered into the kitchen and was giving them weird looks—but if it was for her words, her show of emotion, or something else, Xion didn't know.

But... for the first time she could remember in quite a while, she felt at peace. Relaxed, even. If Roxas was able to take something as evil as that creature down, maybe... maybe it meant she could defeat her own demons, as well.

…Even if she'd failed in saving her rocket Popsicle from melting. No doubt she was going to hear about staining the floor in shades of cherry, blueberry, and lemon later on from Xemnas...

"Uhh..." Roxas ventured awkwardly, as he broke away from Xion's strong hold and sent Luxord a glare-and at that, Xion tried to calm herself down and to breathe steadily again. "Yeah. We defeated the monster, but it really wasn't that big of a deal, Xi. It's our job, you know? And I had to defeat it after it ambushed us and hurt you that time. It was out for Axel's blood this time, as well, and I...

"But, anyway. Let's talk about it later when we have to fill out our reports, okay? Until then, let's get you something to eat. You look kind of sick, Xion."

In the end, Xion wasn't surprised that she seemed ill at all. She was experiencing emotion, after all. Something she shouldn't have been able to accomplish-and yet... that's exactly what she, Roxas, and Axel seemed to do all the time, wasn't it?

It wasn't at all unlike how Hayner, Pence, and Olette interacted with each other, either. It was different, though, in that Xion doubted that those three had been starving themselves lately, but when Xaldin was the resident castle cook-and made everyone food that Xion hated-she couldn't really help it. And anyway, she'd been having a hard time keeping down anything but water ever since she'd learned that she was a-

"Haha. Roxas, I don't exactly want to tell you how to do your job, but your girlfriend probably shouldn't be eating anything in her state. Unfortunately, this one was meant to destroy instead of create, but it's all the same, y'know? No food for emotional, sick ladies."

"X-Xigbar?" Roxas blanched, as the sharpshooter chose that moment to spill into the area and to take Luxord's place in the kitchen. And as Roxas looked more confused than Xion had ever seen him, she found that she'd never hated that man more. It was bad enough that he'd always called her poppet and had been insulting her nature even before she could have known it, but...

Now he was telling Roxas that she was acting like a pregnant woman, because she was sick, but that her place was to destroy her "boyfriend" instead of creating new life? Oh, she had killed him. Xion might have restrained herself from fighting back at other taunts thrown her way in the past, but not when they were this cruel and bringing Roxas into the mix. If she wasn't careful, she was going to end up killing Xigbar.

"Uhh, Roxas, can we go back to your room now, please?" Xion asked, emotionally, as she bit back tears and tried to hide her face behind Roxas. How easily her emotions changed when she shouldn't have been able to feel anything!

"Of course, Xion. Let's go!" Roxas assured his best friend, as he grabbed her hand in his and began leading her away. It didn't escape Xion's notice that Roxas gave Xigbar a scathing look on their way out.

Huh. And here Xion had thought she'd hidden her irritation at Xigbar's words relatively well. Perhaps Roxas was just used to defending her now? Xion sighed heavily at the thought. She was supposed to be stronger than all of this!

Her thoughts were preoccupied by such thoughts for quite some time, until the two of them found themselves in the Twilight's View location.

Jerking her head up instantly at her surroundings, Xion had the bad fortune of remembering how she'd run away upset from Roxas in this exact same area that one time. And if the way he was suddenly squeezing her hand gravely was any sort of indication, Roxas must have realized it, too.

And though she'd previously apologized to Roxas for her actions before, Xion found that her words may have just fallen short then, so squeezing Roxas' hand in her own, the brunette stopped the blond in his tracks and smiled at him pleasantly before saying, "I'm still sorry for ignoring you and running past you that time, Roxas. And even worse: I'm sorry about snapping at you after the fact. Really. You deserve better than that."

There was a minute pause then, as some white mist settled over the two young Nobodies: hinting that some new Dusks might be finding their way into the Organization.

Then, smiling softly, as he undoubtedly put all of his questions and worries about Xion behind him, Roxas remarked, "Of course, Xion; I mean, I know I've been emotional enough through some of what Axel's said to me before, and especially that jerk, Saïx. It's fine. We're all that way sometimes, I guess."

At that, Roxas put his arms behind his head, so that his elbows rose out in front of him. And for just a moment, Roxas looked so much like the boy that Xion saw in her dreams that she could almost make sense of everything that had been happening to her lately.

"Let's go train instead, Roxas. Okay?!" Not entirely sure where this new enthusiasm was coming from, or if this was a good idea or a bad one, Xion began leading Roxas towards the Hall of Empty Melodies for the training that she knew she should have done with him on that awful day she'd run from him, instead of asking him for it on their day off.

Never… never would Xion squander their time together again, when she all ready knew how unlikely it was that they'd be able to have time like that in the future.

"Whoa- Xion!" Roxas protested, as she made accidentally him trip up the stairs behind her, and therefore may or may not have almost made him face plant into the clear, plastic looking floor. "I'm glad you're feeling better-and I wouldn't mind training, I guess-but we were literally just at the place. Couldn't you have realized you wanted to use the Keyblades then?"

For a moment, Xion wanted to remark that Roxas was getting just as lazy and out of shape as Axel was, if he didn't even want to venture back into the room they'd just come from. But the moment she saw his spikes flopping in his face as he ran-he really needed a haircut, she thought-she understood it.

It seemed as though Roxas might have lost some weight from all the fighting he'd been doing, and that his cloak was now as loose on him, as was his floppy locks when he ran.

Her earlier worries coming back to her at full force, Xion found herself wondering if it was maybe because he currently had too much of their shared strength.

And though she would have much rather had Roxas be the one to benefit from the power that neither of them were really supposed to have, the Replica worried that she might fade away before she even got the chance to set any of her affairs in order. She still barely even knew who Sora was or what she was supposed to do, and...

"Xion?" Roxas asked, just as Xion unfroze from her thoughts and headed back into the blue area that made her think of Saïx far too much.

After a moment, in which Roxas shrugged, he quickly followed Xion into the room—something she saw from the corner of her eye when he came abreast with her and knocked his shoulder into hers.

And though the Replica had originally planned on training with Roxas, if for no other reason than to make sure she'd never be a nuisance to her friends again, she found that what she really wanted to do now was to use magic to climb up to Saïx's favorite balcony above them and rip pieces off of it. It looked far too much like Xemnas' hair and as it happened, Xion had had enough of him and his plans to last her a lifetime.

"I... I'm acting weird now, I know, Roxas," Xion assured the boy with a pat of her hand over his shoulder, as he walked in front of her line of vision to give her a confused look.

"But aren't you also annoyed with our lives here sometimes? Do you ever just want to rebel? I feel like we should do something like that now, y'know? I mean, it seems like it'd be true to who we are to do so, and I'm almost surprised we haven't done something like that yet. Getting into trouble seems to be our middle name, but I- I want... I want to do that. If nothing else, I want to make their lives a little bit harder for them."

Xion didn't really know what she'd expected from her sudden epiphany with Roxas: it was certainly an odd one and she didn't know how Roxas would feel about it, or if he'd agree with her or not.

What she hadn't counted on, though, was for Axel to suddenly come and find them then with ice cream in his hands, and to instantly agree with her. "That's a good idea. I say we should go for it, Xion. Life's boring without a few pranks, I always say. And we definitely have things we need to get back at these people for, got it memorized?"

"I don't… I dunno about this," Roxas said suddenly, upon dismissing the Keyblade he had earlier summoned-as if thinking seeing it would give his friends even more reason to want to tear and destroy if they saw it. "I mean, don't we get into enough trouble? Shouldn't we just want to stay under the radar? I think your idea kinda sounds fun to an extent, but..."

_He's worried about me and trying to protect me again_, Xion realized with sadness. As much as she loved how Roxas cared for her and all he did (and she knew, of course, that she would do the same if the situations were ever reversed), she hated how much she felt like a burden to him. Hated that cautious and uncertain glint he got in his eyes whenever he thought about her...

And just like that, Xion realized that the whole idea she'd just had had been beyond foolish. And even worse… it had been geared at destruction, like she was supposed to be.

Saying the first part to Roxas and Axel, Xion feigned an excuse about how maybe it was better if they all just went to bed instead of doing anything else, and she raced to her room to find sleep, but really only to find nothing.

...

_Why_? Xion wondered, as she lay tossing and turning in her bed all night. Why couldn't she have just been an actual Nobody? Why had she had to have been created with such unfortunate intentions and accidents? She wasn't even what she was she was really supposed to be: a clone of Sora. Instead, she was a failure in every way possible, and maybe there was nothing for that. And perhaps… perhaps everything that Saïx hade ever said about her was completely on point. It wouldn't have surprised her at all, truthfully.

And perhaps the worst part about it all to her? Xion had run away from Roxas again, just like she had the last time. Sure, she'd given a fancy excuse this time, but a lie was still a lie, and her best friend deserved much better than that.

In fact, the Replica found she very much wanted to go apologize to Roxas for her transgressions that very moment, but she knew she couldn't: she had no proof whatsoever, after all, that she wouldn't just do the exact same thing and run away from him all over again.

And even more importantly: Xion knew she was still hiding the most important parts about herself. She ought to have been talking about it with Roxas and Axel, she knew, to maybe try and combat her fate, but whenever she saw them, she could never make herself say the things she needed to... What a mess it all was.

And, to make things even better, Xion realized belatedly that she'd yet to eat at all that day. And though she'd thought she'd be able to survive off of popsicles (popsicles she didn't even end up eating), she hadn't counted on being otherwise woozy, for Roxas stealing bits of her strength (his strength, technically).

Just what was she supposed to do about her missions tomorrow? She couldn't exactly fight Heartless in the Cave of Wonders, if she couldn't even stand up without shaking. Maybe she could go to the kitchen and get something to eat there? Or...

"Here, umm, Xion, I brought you some food to eat, if you don't mind."

In any other situation, or if she was someone else, Xion knew she probably would have been jumping up in fear or trying to kill the intruder in her room. But Roxas had snuck up on her so many times on the Station Tower all ready, that Xion didn't even feel phased by his sudden appearances anymore.

She'd heard her door whoosh open, anyway, but even then... she'd sensed that Roxas was in the vicinity even before that. Maybe it was because they both were so deeply connected to Sora that they were able to sense each other, but Xion would have liked to believe it was something other than that. So in that moment, she did.

"What... umm... what brings you in here, Roxas?" Xion quickly turned on her bedside light, as she regarded Roxas confusedly. She was happy to see him, of course (she was always happy to see Roxas)-and had even just thought of going to see him herself just now-but as her head was filling more and more with memories of Sora and the girl he was always with at the moment, Xion thought she might have been understanding for the first time what romance was all about, and as such... she was left feeling rather self-conscious. "I mean, you're welcome to hang out with me anytime, but... I take it that this isn't a social call so late at night?"

At that, a line didn't form between Roxas' eyebrows in thought, like Xion thought there would be, but instead the young Nobody began laughing uproariously, as he pointed to the tray of pizza rolls that he'd brought for his best friend.

As her face heated up at that, Xion doubted that she'd ever felt more ill at ease in her life.

"I just told you why I was here, Xion. Maybe you were half-asleep when I came in or something? But I brought you food, because I was worried you could end up fainting on me tomorrow and stuff. I..."

And at once, Roxas trailed off and began blushing as darkly as Xion herself currently was. And in that instance, the sapphire-eyed girl found herself wondering if Roxas was looking flushed for making it sound as though he thought her weak, or if it was because he'd imagined himself having to carry her. That was certainly an embarrassing thought, wasn't it?

And yet... Xion didn't find herself being repulsed by it like she thought she would be at all. Instead, she thought that maybe it would be nice to let Roxas hold her just once. Maybe...

Trying to steer the conversation into one she was much more comfortable with, however, Xion motioned for Roxas to sit down on her bed beside her, but not before she'd stolen one of the odd pizza roll things off of his tray and had wolfed it down.

It was scalding hot, of course, but as that made Xion feel something-even if it was just fire on her tongue-she'd take the sensation any day. "I appreciate you doing this for me, Roxas. I really do. I hate that you had to stay up late to help me, though. And… I don't even know what sort of odd world you would have gone to go to to get pizzas formed in this odd, little form," the girl laughed. "Thank you, Roxas. You really are the best."

Somehow Xion hadn't even noted when her and Roxas had scooted closer to each other during their conversation, until she felt Roxas' hand atop hers, and once again: a truckload of memories about Sora and Kairi hit her full force.

Xion supposed she might should have been irritated that what she may or may not have been feeling for Roxas could have just been a result of their original selves' own feelings, but then when she thought of moments like the current one-where Roxas had brought her food to make sure that she was okay-she couldn't help but love him.

If she meant that platonically or otherwise, though, Xion wasn't entirely sure. After all, any sort of emotion was still a mystery to her, and she wasn't even supposed to be able to feel anything anyway, but... that was exactly what she was doing with Roxas, wasn't she?

"Hey, Xion, I don't happen to have food on my face or anything like that, do I?" Roxas asked, as he leaned his face closer to Xion's for her to inspect, but pulled away from her body with the same movement. "You're- you're kind of staring at me."

"It's because I'm trying to savor you," Xion said quickly-before her words could catch up with her, and before she realized how stupid and offhanded she sounded. It didn't help that she'd put a hand under her chin, and looked to all the world like she was being nonchalant, she mused.

And, of course, Roxas being a guy and having food on his mind twenty-four/seven, Xion could only guess what the horrified look on his face was all about, buuuuut she had a pretty good guess about what it was, though.

"I didn't mean savor as in food, by the way, Roxas. Though I do appreciate what you brought me. I just... Going back to what we were saying earlier, we don't get enough time off and to be with each other. So, in that, I want to relish every possible moment we have together."

And once again, the weight of Xion's words didn't make themselves known until she heard herself saying them aloud. And just like before, she knew they left a lot to be desired.

She was even about to hide under her blankets in horror, or to shew Roxas away-in realizing she'd used another food word: relish-when Roxas smiled more cutely and kindly than Xion had ever seen him do so, and held one finger up in thought.

"To tell the truth, Xion, that's why I bought you these pizza roll things. I _do_ want to spend some more time with you guys doing new things-even if we have to make the time to do so ourselves, but... Just in case we don't get those special moments together, I thought we could still pretend that we all did. Like, even if we all don't get to go to the world where I got the pizza rolls from, we can still all try to imagine the place. I tried that idea, and-"

_Roxas, you're so sweet_... Xion found herself thinking, just as she clutched a hand over her heart and imagined how she'd done the same with one of the seashells that the very boy beside her had given her.

And actually… she could even imagine herself the particular food that Roxas had given her on the beach. Maybe on the rare occasions that it snowed on one and someone would therefore need a warm meal, anyway, but Xion could still see it. The color of the snack food even sort of reminded the Replica of sand.

Just a moment ago, Xion hadn't been sure how she felt about emotions-or if she was actually even able to feel at all-or anything. But now… the girl knew without a doubt in her heart just what it was that she felt for her best friend-the best friend who she might have been leaning too close to at the very moment...

"Roxas, that really is a beautiful idea. And if that's what you were thinking when I threw a marker at you earlier, I'm really sorry about that! In fact, you were probably a lot more invested than Axel in the whole thing, anyway," Xion finished off with a laugh: something that she had the good fortune of Roxas joining in on with her.

She also had the benefit of having Roxas catch one of her gesturing arms into his own, and him taking the moment to check her with it. And it didn't escape Xion's notice that she and Roxas seemed to be breathing the exact same way. "You should indulge more, Xion," Roxas said in a tsk, tsk sort of way, though she thought there might have also been something else brewing under the surface of his calm. "You don't seem shaky anymore, but I don't think you've eaten enough to be at a hundred percent yet, either."

And before Roxas could say any self-loathing comment about how he should have brought her better nourishment, or something like that (they were very much the same, after all), Xion grabbed Roxas' hand and put it up against her heart-ignoring the question he began to ask, as well as his dilated pupils. "Yeah, you're right, Roxas. I really should enjoy more things and take care of myself better. I need to indulge, as you put it."

And even if she was slated to die, Xion would make the best of the beautiful life she was given and live it to its fullest: and she couldn't imagine anything at all better than doing that.

And somehow... she thought that if Roxas' had been in her shoes, he would have said exactly the same thing. Kind of like how they were both smiling stupidly at each other, and scratching the back of their heads at the moment-an exact mirror to each other.

_Yes_, Xion thought, as she and Roxas began pulling the other into their arms, just to be able to hold onto something and ward off the terrible nightmares that they'd been having through their love for each other. _Exactly like this_.

**Author's Note: Probably the most canon RokuShi fic I've ever written. It just seems to really fit them and represent them well, and I tried to keep it as accurate as I possibly could. Even if the first part was based off of the manga;)**

**I really like this piece; I think it might be my best RokuShi story ever, actually. It just feels so right somehow... Probs because I didn't make it overly romantic, and even at the end they're still innocent and confused about feelings, and simply holding onto each other to weather their storms.**

**Welp, happy early RokuShi Day, everyone! Here's hoping it'll be a great day for our lovely ship:) I just wish I'd had the time to make something more for them than just this fanfic, but oh well. Why don't you guys pick up the slack for me, 'kay? :)**

**These two adorable dorks, ftw!**

**-Shanna**


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